August Plague

turtlestack

I really like this. I'd suggest dropping a few of the adjectives at the beginning, however - just say "through the cloister, taking care to retain their balance on the flagstones." I say that because you've used quite a few adjectives already and by this point we are starting to get too many details. I already gathered that this is an old place and you've established the setting quite well already. Sometimes it's good to let the reader do some work too :)

I'm assuming this is a work of fantasy, but I just can't get behind the name Jahn. Why not just call him John? Of course, that's a minor and personal quibble from my own point of view but I do put a lot of stock in the names of characters and in a case of fantasy, a name that seems common helps draw the reader into a fantasy world full of uncommon things. Again, at least for me, this is extra detail that probably is not needed.

But like I said, I really liked this. You set the stage very well and I could clearly feel the somber mood and the dreariness of the setting you created here. That's good writing.

turtlestack

You said that this is from something else you are writing, so I'll assume this is more of a summary than a paragraph. You have an entire novel of ideas here - 4 years, falsely accused prisoner, training men, prison escape - so I hope the entire story goes into all of these details.

I was also reminded on those credit card commercials (Good, Great, Priceless) and The Shawshank Redemption (rain on his face). I'm not so sure if that's a good thing though since that would be relying too much on something that has been done before and will only constantly remind the reader of these comparisons.

I would suggest for this exercise to focus only on the tension of a man crawling through a tunnel. Build the character and story from that and don't worry too much about all the other details.

turtlestack

Very good for a first time at creative writing.

My only suggestion is drop the "'89 Ford Ranger" because a small kid would not know that, or at least, in this situation, not care about that detail. You don't need to establish a time period for this piece because it is strong enough on its own.

Also, the "I'll miss you dad" isn't needed either. I was doing just fine till you added that part. I'm not sure what you mean by adding this (was the driver your dad?).

The only other suggestion I would have is maybe try to find a way to hint that even though the driver was drinking, making it more obvious that the driver had swerved to avoid hitting the kid on the bike. I say this to add a bit more tension to the story and give some extra motivation to the main character for being scared and to hint at their possibly being more to this story.

Otherwise, this is really well written. You present a clear scene and engaged me, the reader immediately. You have some very nice details (smell of gasoline, sound of rain, etc) but you don't go overboard with detail either - just enough to tell the story.

Keep it up. I'm excited to see what else you will submit here.

turtlestack

A little too vague, perhaps..

I agree. While it is clear what you were going for here, it seemed more like you were trying to keep the trick going before letting us (the reader) in on what you were getting at.

I actually think this would be more powerful if you didn't go for a little trick at the end with the revel, but instead were upfront the entire time about what you are describing here.

If we knew the narrator was trying to take a picture of the child but was struggling with the auto-focus of the camera, that could really free you up to really have even more fun with this and (maybe) even get away with lines like :

it had sprung up like some errant flower hiding beneath the frosts that came to sit during a late December evening.

I've noticed there has been a trend in OneParagraph with many of the new submissions that want to go for a twist at the end or a big reveal at the end, but good writing is good writing and isn't dependent on any formulas.

I'd really like to see where you could take this story because otherwise your writing is clear and you have a strong sense of imagery.

turtlestack

I can see that. I wasn't thinking that at all when writing it, but now that you mention it, yeah, I can hear it in his voice too a little. That even brings in some nice, unintentional humor to it too :)

turtlestack

The circularity really just came from writing it. As I got to the end I realized I could go back to the beginning "with a new justification" ( as you said).

I suppose that's what happens when you write - you get those happy accidents that you can never plan for except to just write and see where it leads too. That's why I like this sub, it's great practice.

turtlestack

Thank you.

It's not from personal experience, however. I was just trying to use this exercise to take a really flat, stock character (a drunk) and try to look at him in a different way.

turtlestack

While I really like the animation and the idea, there is such a missed opportunity here too.

What I'm getting at is that since the idea was to create an entire city of books (which they did very well), it could have gone much further instead of just using many of the same books over and over again - Franzen's "The Corrections" is used how many times?

This short should have pushed a bit further and made each district of the city more unique with a wider diversity of books. There should have been a seedy side of town with bad romance novels and crime thrillers, an otaku side of town with sci-fi books, the hipster district with Kafka (and Franzen if you just gotta have him) and the capital should have been built from more prestigious works from political scientists.

I just would have liked to see this fleshed out just a bit more because otherwise this is a great idea and is really well made.

turtlestack

The thing about NPR that I've never heard anyone mention is that conservatives think it's too liberal and liberals think it's too conservative.

In my eyes (ears, anyway), they must be doing something exactly right to be seen this way.

turtlestack

One of my favorite Simpsons quotes :

Mr Burns: Let's see, social security number ... naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn Roosevelt.

Of course wrong Roosevelt as in the link, but still ... humor none-the-less.

turtlestack

The tricky part of describing something that is idyllic is that it is hard for the reader to remain interested in what is being described because there is no tension or anything that stands out. Since everything is perfect it actually becomes less interesting.

What might work better is a very quick description but focus much more on the character who is observing this. Why does the character feel this is such a perfect and idyllic spot? How a character perceives something tells us quite a lot about them and engages the reader much more actively.

The same advice can be applied to poetry as well. I once worked for a literary magazine and we would get many poem submissions about things being described but there was no real emotional attachment or any reason given why we, the reader, should bother being engaged in the content.

Even a poem needs something either out of place, or odd, or "un perfect" or really anything to pull the reader in. If everything is perfect, then it's not very interesting.

With that aside, you do describe everything very well. You paint a very clear picture of the cottage and the items found there. I had no problem "seeing" everything. Being able to describe an entire scene is very important sometimes, and I'm sure you are just wanting to paint a portrait here, but just keep in mind, even a portrait needs a frame for it to hang on just as a story or poem needs something for the reader to hang onto as well.

turtlestack

I'm not sure I have a firm grasp on this character. I'm assuming she is young and naive (sex then physics - though usually it's the other way around since older guys try to "impress" the younger girl with some intellectual b.s.) but I'm not sure why she sees herself as Caesar. Is she worried he is Brutus? If so, the allusion is very slight and her trepidation of the boy possibly betraying/hurting needs to be stronger.

Also :

Two weeks ago she recalled the walk back from his apartment early in the morning

Did she recall this 2 weeks ago or in the present tense of the story? I know you mean the event took place 2 weeks ago, but it needs to be clearer.

You could even just say :

Two weeks ago he walked her back from his apartment early in the morning.

We will know she is recalling something because you mention that it was "two weeks ago".

Still, I'd like to see you puruse this character study. I'm intrigued by the Caesar allusion and what that could mean so I think there is nice potential here.

turtlestack

I wasn't sold on this until you got described different species losing different perceptions. I really love that idea and it really snapped into focus what you are trying to convey.

As Kiram pointed out, this really reminds me too of that great tradition of heady and humorous sci-fi, though I was reminded more of Lem, not Asimov.

Keep up the writing, you really have a talent here.

turtlestack

I read this as someone who is a dead man walking - they are on death row being lead to their execution?

Since we are getting the characters inner thoughts and he says he didn't kill those kids, then since he's innocent (I have to assume the narrator is reliable since there's nothing pointing to him being unreliable) then I'm not sure there's enough dramatic tension here to really hold my interest.

Now, what if we was guilty and he knew it, but was still afraid of dying. If that was juxtaposed with his memories of killing a child (by strangling, perhaps) then the inhale / exhale gimmick might work better. As it is in its form now, however, I'm not sure I can really get into this. I need to have a clearer picture of the character and a more clearly defined tension to hold me.

turtlestack

Very nice. Excellent use of the single paragraph format here to tell a whole story. I like that you made it surprising at the end and all of a sudden we have to rethink out perception of the main character.

Bravo!

turtlestack

There really seems to be quite a bit of potential here, but let me explain how I read this.

I read this as someone who is agoraphobic (possibly because of the accident they had and is now disabled?) and they know they need to go outside, but just can't.

I think it would be interesting to see if you could do an entire piece of someone almost getting the nerve up to leave their front door but constantly finding an excuse to never do it. You could really play with repeated imagery of doors and doorknobs and windows and such things - things that remind the character of "outside" but also terrify them too.

You could really build an interesting back story about the accident and other neurosis about the character.

Anyway, like I said, this is a good start.

turtlestack

I've found that the sentiment of disillusionment is a tough nut to crack. There's plenty of details you can put out there in a story, but for me, it always comes down to the "why does the character feel that way?"

For example, you mention specific things this character owns (or that own him) but you don't really mention why they make him feel the need to escape? What got him to this point in his life? Was he divorced? Did he lose a job? Is he disabled?

Expressing that a character has a dissatisfaction with middle-class life is straight forward - but expressing why he is dissatisfied is much more difficult.

There's also the issue that too often this has become such a "straw man" in fiction that there really isn't anything new to expressing this sentiment. DeLillo did it masterfully in White Noise and even Bee Season has some nice moments of expressing the insanity of civilized, middle class life, but it has been done a lot.

Also, if the writer is much younger than the character and hasn't experienced being in their 40's (I don't know how old you are, I'm just guessing you might not be), then it's hard to relate to the character and really feel the weight of that characters life in your own words.

I might suggest taking the exact opposite approach by illustrating a character who feels quite happy and safe surrounded by all the wonders of modern life and through that show the absurdity of it all. If anything, it would make for a fuller character and even present some nice moments for comedy too.

turtlestack

TROPHY CASE

you'll need to login or register to do that

create a new account

login